When things are tough

I have probably thought about writing this at least six or seven different times in the past few months. Each hesitation is met with this yearning desire for sleep or for an extra five minutes of The Good Wife. Tonight, I finally decided to crack open my computer and get some words written before I decided to go to bed.

I never fully realized why so much anxiety and stress exists on Sunday evenings. I like to think that is why our student mass on campus happens at 8PM–to give students a second to think about something else, instead of looming deadlines, roommate conflicts, and dirty laundry.

It hit me tonight right as I decided to check out my work email, which is something that I’ve started to do less after hours (in an effort to build a better work-life balance). Yet, the moment I logged on, I quickly became consumed in all that is work. Even as I write this evening, I know I’ve got these tabs in my brain that are constantly opened when I think of something else I need to do or should be doing. Here’s a glimpse at the tabs:

• Why are the numbers low for both events you’re hosting
• How will you ever get the students you need for campus showrooms
• Remember that pile of clean, wrinkled, and unfolded laundry you keep moving from your bed to couch and back to your bed again?
• What about the dishes
• And that god-awful smell coming from your garbage can
• Oh, and please hurry up and drink that milk in your fridge because you can’t add ‘FOOD WASTER’ to your list of wrong-doings this week
• Eat healthier
• Exercise more
• And yet why do you constantly think about what you are eating during every single meal now
• Don’t forget that half-marathon coming up that you are no where near ready for
• Organize your cabinets…and maybe your life
• Why do you feel like everything will be alright in the world if you come home to a bed that is perfectly made
• Exhaustion.
• Relaxation.
• And rest.
• Traveling to Paris
• Not thinking about your friend who dropped the bomb on you that they’re considering another job in the next year (as you selfishly think “away from me?”)
• Student loans
• Owning a home
• How sad your empty mailbox is
• How much you miss the weekly circulars advertising what groceries are on sale
• Being 25 and how it feels like time is running out while everyone around you magically feels/looks/acts older than you*
• also making a gazillion dollars which somehow allows them what you think is a cooler lifestyle than yours
• ^dumb I know
• How you constantly feel unprepared for every hurdle life throws at you

Wow. That’s a lot of tabs. And yet, I haven’t crashed. I got this. I always do. It’s tough to say that. Every day. It’s tough to feel all these things all at the same time.

I think it’s time for you to take a deep breath, and go to bed.

Tomorrow is a new day.

It’s a Monday.

And you better believe that you’re going to make Mondays better.

For good.

be kind to one another.

-p

 

A lot of change

It’s been over three months since I last logged on here. Not sure what’s gotten in the way. I haven’t exactly made my writing a priority in my day-to-day life, and to a certain extent, I miss it. It’s a different form of creative expression, similar to that of cooking or baking for me. As I am sure you can imagine, a lot has happened, changed, transformed in these last few months.

I celebrated my 25th birthday. Hard to believe that I’ve already been alive for over a quarter of a century, and yet, I’ve got so much I want to, so much I need to do still. I spent a few days in San Luis Obispo on vacation where I got to celebrate the graduation of a dear friend of mine. I ceased to continue a friendship that was no longer healthy for my mental, physical, and emotional well-being. And let me tell you, that was tough. One of the harder things I’ve had to do in these last 25 years. Yet, I’ve also learned in these 25 years is that sometimes, it is completely, 100% a-okay to be selfish for your own self, your own health. Now, that’s enough of that.

I was selected to become a Resident Director at Saint Mary’s. I’ll have the incredibly wonderful opportunity to be a live-in staff member at a residence hall on-campus, while working with first-year students and a Resident Advisor. How lucky am I!?

Most recently, I was promoted to Senior Admissions Counselor and Visit Center Coordinator! Another amazing opportunity to build upon my strengths while providing a ton of good ‘ole love and support for our students, staff, and faculty at Saint Mary’s.

This coming Saturday, I leave for seven full days in New York City. Each day, I realize more and more that this life of ours is always too short, and if I’ve got all of these things I want to do, then I better start doing them. First time to New York City, and it’s going to be my first time ON THE TODAY SHOW! Wednesday, July 31 CASH ME OUTSIDE ON THE TODAY SHOW PLAZA.  But seriously though. Turn your televisions on. DVR it if you have to, but look for my smiley mug with a super catchy and clever sign. HODA, I’M WAITING FOR YOU!

As much as I truly love living in the present, I also absolutely love looking forward to my next adventure, my next vacation, my next shenanigan because I equally love the memories that come with said excitement. I’ve been busily filling out my calendar with dates of friends who are coming to visit, friends of mine that know me better than most people I know (outside of my own family of course). And how freaking excited I am to see and to spend time with them again.

I’ve started exercising more because whoever the hell invented SoulCycle basically invented the most addicting form of exercise ever. I absolutely hate exercising, but man, get me in a SoulCycle class, and I’m jamming to the beat! I mean, I’m also dripping sweat all over the floor too, but holy hell, it’s worth it.

Recently, I thought that it might be a good idea to list my ups and downs, the moments to celebrate and the moments of frustration in life lately:

UPS

• Warm lemon bars
• Finishing a good book
• First cup of coffee in the morning
• Promotion, baby!
• Free housing, baby!
• A clean kitchen sink
• Really awesome friends
• Puppies (and no Mom, I did not buy a dog)
• Crisp, white sheets right after you make the bed
• Good wine from Hess & that sweet 30% off discount you get!

DOWNS

• Having to plan your own birthday party
• When your $42 rubber plant is looking sadder than usual
• Being jealous of folks in relationships, I mean, what am I, in the sixth grade all over again!?
• Paying your credit card bill
• Running out of butter
• The cost of nice couches at Crate & Barrel
• The last season of Big Little Lies 😦

I think that’s enough for now because I am tired, and I’ve got Soul in the morning. 6AM class HERE WE GO! Thinking about all of you all the time, even the ones I try not to think about.

be kind to one another.

eat a warm lemon bar.

–p

Your twenty-somethings

Dear friends,

I think I am at this weird point in my life (24 years of age in case you were wondering) that I wonder what the heck I am going to do with the rest of my time here. I find myself pouring over magazines and books and photos of pastry and bread and travel and food, food, food! I sit at home most nights and wonder what I could cook or bake before I head to bed. I dream about the kitchen I’ll have one day, Wolf range, SubZero fridge, with beautiful tile and the espresso maker of my dreams.

I wake up most mornings and realize that I feel like I am just going through the stages of life:  wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, go to sleep, repeat. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like to think I have plenty of fun too. I’ve joined a wine drinking (tasting?) group. I go to the theatre (Hamilton…going a second time this year in June). I’ve started going to SoulCycle (thanks Chrissy for the free classes and for getting my ass in shape again). I run half marathons. Okay, well, full disclosure. I’ve only run two half marathons, which makes it a full, right?

But, nevertheless, something is missing, no?

Like I said before, there are some days when I think about becoming a professional bread baker. What I thought was a hobby has turned into a full-blown obsession. There are other days I think I should blow my savings and go travel, finding myself abroad (whatever that means, right?)  I dream about backpacking the Camino de Santiago in Spain. I think about spending month(s) in France, eating every GD croissant that crosses my path, while simultaneously seeing Paris through the eyes of Julia Child.  There are the days I think I should be a writer (lol).  I recently had a question published online in The New York Times. Please hand me my Pulitzer now…thank you.

There is always this desire to get married and have kids too, especially as I see all these folks getting engaged on the ‘gram and the ‘book. Don’t worry, I know that my time will come. If not, just picture me with my two Golden Retrievers snuggled up on the couch each night as we shovel lemon bars in our mouths as quickly as we can (I say we, but I don’t think dogs are supposed to be eating that much curd).

Then there are the days where I have this inner desire to be doing something greater, something extremely meaningful that has a direct impact on a particular community. I think that maybe I should pack up my bags and head to New Orleans. I mean, could you imagine? Gumbo, beignets, and cafe au laits, all day, everyday?! In all seriousness, I miss serving. I miss working with people on that kind of a level: teaching, tutoring, polishing a dirt floor in cow dung in the middle of nowhere. Yes, that’s what I miss. Sometimes, I convince myself that I should join the Catholic Church and become a Christian Brother. I think we all go through that phase in life, but what a great way to live a meaningful, purposeful life.

Just a few weeks ago, I was daydreaming about winning the lottery: me and the other 8 billion people on this planet. But, could you imagine!? Holy toledo! I’d be happy with just $64,000 to pay off my student loans (if you’re a total stranger and are feeling so compelled to pay off my student loans after reading this, well, hey, slide into my DMs)! I am often caught daydreaming about the past, fun, random memories that pop up because a certain song comes on, a certain image comes up, or an odd flashback just happens to occur.

I call this ‘Your twenty-somethings’ because I have been told (I think) that your twenties are some of the most exciting times of your life.  And while they have been, and are, I think there is more to come. I am hopeful that there is plenty more to come. While I do not consider myself the most successful nor the most accomplished, I do consider myself amongst the most compassionate, the most loving, and the most dedicated to anything or anyone.

And that, to a certain extent, is what I am most proud of…

regardless if I become a PhD holder, professional bread baker, extensive traveler, wealthy lottery winner, or Golden Retriever-toting-kinda-guy.

 

 

Needless to say, I am in the midst of planning my summer vacation(s) as we speak. Cheers to all of you, especially those of you dealing with these kinds of blues in your twenty-somethings.

 

be kind to one another.

-p

Take a deep breath.

Hi. Hello. I know it’s been a long time. Not sure why I haven’t written. I’d like to blame the often-used excuse of being busy, and maybe that’s a little bit of the real story. Writing for me is also like reading: I love it when I do it, but I don’t do it often enough. I had a bit of a rough patch today at work, one of those moments where you feel like you’re never fully caught up and yet you’re trying to squeeze out as much as you possibly can from one singular day. Like I explained to a student today, it just feels like I’ve got too many tabs open in my brain lately. I am constantly thinking about what I have to do next, so much so that it is becoming hard for me to just relax, to just be at peace. This past Saturday, I slept in until 10:14 a.m. to be exact. Haven’t done that in ages. It might’ve helped that I didn’t actually crawl into bed until 11:30 p.m., but I was especially impressed of myself.  I finally turned my phone off. Totally off. No alarm. Nothing to wake me up (especially as I slept with my white noise in the background).

This past week has proven to be mentally and emotionally demanding for me. I think that my family now realizes how much I internalize those ‘tough-to-deal-with’ parts of life. My great-uncle (mom’s uncle and grandmother’s brother) has been in the hospital dealing with a collapsed lung, and we all consider him to be our family historian.  What a wealth of knowledge Uncle Bud continues to be (he blogs almost daily and has kept a daily journal since he was 16)!  He is now into his early-90s and his posts constantly make our family laugh and smile. One of my personal favorites was the day he bought a new package of socks–still makes my mom and I laugh every time we talk about it.

A friend of mine from graduate school lost her mom this past Sunday to a long and hard fought battle with cancer. I nearly broke down in tears when I read the news on Facebook this morning. News like this certainly makes you reevaluate every day altogether. I hate to sound cliché, but it truly makes you hug those you love just a little tighter every single day. How important, how crucial it is to tell people that you love them. I’ve said this so many times on here, and I’ll continue to say it because of how important it is to remind those in your life.

Tomorrow would have been my uncle’s 60th birthday (if I’m not mistaken on the age). My computer sent me a notification tonight reminding me to wish him a happy birthday. It was a tough reminder that he is no longer here, and oh, how I desperately wish he were here. There are some days that I would just love to get his opinion about things. He was and always will be the smartest man that any of us in our family ever knew.

It is days like today when I feel so homesick. I’m just an hour and a half away from home, but you just miss your people sometimes, ya know? I was just telling someone that I never fully realized how much I need to have my people close to me. A good friend of mine from college moved back to the area this past October, and unfortunately, she’s leaving again at the end of next month. I can already feel the knot in my stomach developing, the dreadful day when she packs up and leaves again. Vick, if you’r reading this, I hope you know how much you mean to me and how much I will miss you. I know that you’re not one for touchy feely, but it’s going to be really hard for me to say goodbye this time around. You are one of these people that I’m talking about, one of my people because you know me. I know you. But you know me. You’re part of the inner circle. Ha. That made me laugh, but I mean every word. You really get me. And we’ve had so much fun in the last few months but, that’s the tough part about life. How I wish I could always pack up my people and bring them with me wherever I go, making sure that they never leave.

There are a few others out there that I wish were closer, at least within arm’s reach, am I right? It’s really tough growing up. I told a prospective student of ours to delay it as much as possible. Go to graduate school. Stay in school as long as you can. People were right about that. Because there are those moments in life when you so desperately wish you were 12 again, before the world got so serious all the time.

Before I go, I want you to all know that I am in an effort to raise a personal goal of $1,000 for the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life event at Saint Mary’s College. I am just $187 away from completing my goal, and it’s on days like today, when I think about the evil that cancer causes in all of our lives. How many of us out there have lost a loved one or loved ones from this disease. We can and will find a cure, maybe not tomorrow nor the next day, but we will.

Please feel free to contribute to this organization that seeks to celebrate more birthdays each and every day.

Today, remember to have faith. Have hope. In every way, in every aspect of your life.

You can do it.

be kind to one another.

–p

2018–>2019

Hi, it’s me again.  Like many things, I had wanted to be a bit more active on here than I have been of course.  With the start of a new job, a new apartment, and just a new start on life, things have been more than a bit crazy!

I had told myself that this year would be the first year for me to write my own Christmas card/letter.  In fact, I actually have a solid two-page draft on my laptop.  And then I thought about this thing called postage and decided that I should probably save my money this year.  As you might remember from previous years’ posts, I am not much one for this “new year, new me” business, but I am all about the resolutions…for the most part.  2018 brought a lot of ups and downs for me, many of which I have mentioned here.  It brought me a new love of my life via sourdough bread baking.  Thanks again Abby for pushing me to do this, despite you killing every one of our bread babies together.  I have decided to continue this idea of a baking resolution each year, and in 2019, I have decided to tackle the croissant!  Pray for me as I enter this new exploration into buttery, flaky, and crispy layers of this French confection.  I’ve already bought the next size up in my favorite sweatpants in case the old ones start to get a little tight.  Just kidding!

When I think about 2018, I hate to say it, but I feel like my own graduation from my master’s program somehow got overshadowed by the overwhelming feelings of ‘what’s next.’  At the time, I was thinking, “Great, I’ve got this master’s degree, now what?”  Ph.D programs went south.  I had no job.  I was moving back home to Modesto.  Holy cow, my quarter-life crisis came much earlier than I had anticipated.  Combine this with the constant desire to check social media, of all platforms, and see your friends studying/traveling abroad, eating croissants in Paris, sitting on the beaches of Hawaii, or exploring some unchartered territory that I had only ever dreamed of visiting myself.  It wasn’t until later this year that I decided to delete social media from my phone completely.  I completed deleted both my Snapchat and Twitter accounts and decided that I would only check Facebook and Instagram on my iPad when I got home each day.  Yes, the withdrawals did happen, but I found myself spending more time reading the news or catching up on a tv show or even simply making my bed each day.  I am both excited and proud of myself for taking this step to rid myself of the depression that happens when you mindlessly scroll through social media, seeing people do the things that your financial situation prevents you from doing yourself.

I want to clarify something I wrote above.  I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to study at Cal Poly and get my master’s.  In fact, I am even more proud of the fact that I graduated with distinction in a master’s program that truly challenged every piece of my existence.  I absolutely fell in love with the research I conducted for my quasi-thesis and hope to continue this exploration in future studies as well.

As I continue to examine the last twelve months, I keep stumbling upon one thing that really seems to stick out.  I ask myself, “What brought you the most joy this year?”  The answer to this question for me really is quite easy.  I am most joyful when I bring joy to other people, in a variety of different ways.  Whether it’s making dinner for close friends or baking for my office every Monday, I am most happy when I am able to bring others happiness and joy as well.  It is something that I get from both my mom and grandmother.  In fact, I realize that my grandmother, even in her early eighties, is constantly going out of her way to help people every day, and at first, I could not figure out why she does this.  And then I realized where I got it from.  I do the same things she does for the same exact reason.  That is one, of several things, of which I am most grateful to have inherited from my mom and grandmother–their selfless giving is paralleled by no other human being that I know (except maybe Jesus of course).

Like I said earlier, 2018 was tough for so many reasons.  I find myself worried about finances more than I ever have.  When you do a job that you love but one that doesn’t pay all that well, you find yourself cutting back, doing less to really make ends meet.  Combine that with a solid $64k in student loan debt, and you really start to reexamine things.  I hate to say that this is what I now constantly focus on, but I guess that is part fo the growing up process?  I mean, if you know anybody with an extra $64k lying around, feel free to send me a message.  I imagine the ad in a newspaper would look something like this:
WANTED:  $64,000 to pay off a good human’s student loan debt, someone who wants to actively change the world by bringing joy to others in a variety of ways without asking for anything in return

Sounds pretty good, right?  Who knows…maybe I’ll win the Powerball this year or something.

As I start the new year, I really hope to achieve the following.  Sometimes, I really hate bullet lists, but for some reason, it’s like writing your grocery list down, instead of just trying to remember it for memory.  I hope that this serves as my reminder throughout the year, and maybe even quite possibly, the extra push you needed to get your list started too:

• Make your bed.  Every day.  It looks good, and it feels good when you pull back those covers every night.
• Worry less–about your future and your finances.  Money is just money, right?
• Make croissants…for a gazillion different reasons.
• Eat healthier, and by eat healthier, I mean more fresh ingredients, more fresh vegetables.  Experiment.  Maybe even eat more kale.  Thank Amanda for this because she makes the best kale.
• Write more.  On here and on paper.  With that being said, write more letters and cards and postcards.
• Your hard work will pay off.  I know you feel like you’re not living up to your full potential, but you will!  It will happen soon enough.  You will have your “big break!”
• Go outside more.  Sit outside more.  Read your book outside more.  Just be outside, and enjoy the pretty views.
• Do more of the things you say you’ve always wanted to do.
• Remind your friends of how much you love them.  That’s important, and they need to be reminded, even if they say they don’t.
• Savor the moment.  Live in it more.  Don’t be constantly concerned about what is coming or happening next.  You’re in it right now.  Stay there.

Enjoy the night.  Enjoy 2019.  But most of all, enjoy each other, today and always.

be kind to one another.

–p

 

I’ve been doing just fine

Hi there. Wow. It’s been quite some time since I’ve actually taken the time to sit down and think about all of my thoughts.  I should probably give you just a brief update before we dive on in, right?

I meant to check this to see about the last time I wrote on here. I am sure since then, I’ve probably baked countless times. Most recently, I popped out four loaves of Tartine’s sourdough bread. Kind of funny to think that 9 months ago, a friend of mine thought it’d be fun to make sourdough bread babies together (ironically enough Abby, 9 months later, and I’m still making’ bread babies)! There is something so therapeutic about bread. Sure, it takes a lot of time, energy, dedication to the craft (literally hanging out in your house or apartment all day to tend to your bread dough babies). But it’s worth it. I brought in a few loaves of it to my coworkers several weeks ago, and it was devoured by noon. You could even call me a bit obsessed with it. As many of you know, I like to think that I can control just about every aspect of my life. Bread baking, however, makes me realize that this is  not at all possible. I have come to compare bread baking much to that of life. Regardless of what you do or how much you do something, each loaf is always going to be different. It’ll have it’s pluses and minuses, like today, when the second loaf did not turn out quite as crispy as I wanted it to. But I must say, it’s going to make the absolute best French toast in the morning.

There’s one update.

I’ve nearly given up social media completely. My Snapchat and Twitter accounts have been completely deleted. And my Facebook and Instagram apps have been removed from my phone. I only allow myself to check Facebook on my laptop and my iPad. But beyond that, that’s it. And you know what? It is extremely therapeutic, much like bread baking. These last two weeks have been much more relaxing. I’ve slowly begun to read more, working my way through this book that I’ve been reading now for several months. I peruse The New York Times almost hourly (could be a new addiction, right?), and I find myself much more aware of everything around me. There is no longer a constant desire to spend countless hours swiping through social media, literally wasting time doing absolutely nothing. I no longer find myself jealous of those traveling abroad and drinking cappuccinos in Italy or eating paella in Barcelona. But rather, I’m focusing on me. And that gives me such life. I bake more. I organize more. I find a new bread recipe or blog to explore.

I wish I could say these last few months have been so peachy keen, but as we all know, there are parts of life that still seem overwhelming. My car is making weird noises, so naturally that gives me an ulcer. I was perusing my student loan debt today as well, which makes me 0 and 2. If anybody is willing to write a $65,000 check today or tomorrow or even the next week, I am more than willing to give you my address. I’ll make you dinner and give you a big hug if you’d like to deliver the check in person. These are those weird moments in life when everything seems so overwhelming, and while my concerns are probably very minimal when compared to others, there are, nevertheless, overwhelming.

It is Sunday, November 4. Where the hell has the time gone? What I am about to say will also sound so very cliche, but the world just seems to keep going 180 miles per hour right in front of you, and you don’t even know where to begin. A former professor of mine asked me this past Thursday about publishing my master’s research. Add that to the laundry list of things I probably should be doing. Will I ever go on to get my PhD? Will I ever pay off this debt? Will I ever even be able to own my own home? Will my car ever stop making this stupid noise? (As I write this, I realize that these sound like the most petty and trivial of matters, but they have seemed to be bundling up so much lately).

A week from today, I will be running my second half marathon…ever!  Just six days from now, I will be representing Saint Mary’s College at the Panetta Institute’s annual fundraiser, tuxedo and all. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, right? Maybe I just need a day off.

Woof.

be kind to one another.

–p

P.S. I took a screenshot of this quote I received from a professor this week:

“Each of us is the result of a thought of God. Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary.”

–Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI

Sometimes, we need a reminder like that.

Dream Big Work Hard

A family friend gave me this bracelet as part of my graduation gift this year.  It reads, “DREAM BIG WORK HARD,” part of the fantastic marketing done by the JJ Watt Foundation.  Ironically enough, I threw it on this past Tuesday as I officially began my travel season for work.  At the end of the third school I was visiting (and the last for the day), a student asked me a dozen or so questions about my alma mater.  The last question was this:

So what’s the story about your bracelet?

I hadn’t really thought about it hard enough to even come up with an intelligent response, but I did somehow have the sense to say this:

Oh this?  Well, a family friend gave it to me.  From the JJ Watt Foundation.  I figured today is my first day meeting with students like yourself, so I thought it’d be a solid reminder for me.  Couldn’t hurt, right?

These last few weeks have been so busy folks.  I’ve been going 180 miles an hour, but I am absolutely loving it.  I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and you know what?  That feeling takes a long time to achieve.  Let me tell you.  Trust me.  I think that I had my quarter life crisis early–T God.  I told some parents that this week, and they thought it was funny.  So I’m going to stick with that joke.  At least it brings some much needed laugher, am I right?

Yesterday, I spent nearly an hour looking up recipes for my new smoker/barbecuer.  Ever have those moments where you somehow find yourself in a rabbit hole of mindlessness, whether it be Wikipedia searches, YouTube videos, or other random ass content on the Internet?  Raise your hands high.  We’ve all been there.  I also think that’s how we cope.  That’s how we deal with the craziness of our lives.  It’s weird because as I do it, I know that my mind is subconsciously thinking about something else or someone else so hardcore.  It’s like those times at the end of the day when we’ve been so entrenched in work, and we finally sit down, and then we finally realize what we’ve actually been thinking about.  I am 24 years old, with a new job, meeting new people, doing all sorts of new things.  And new can be tough.  Whether it’s new friends, new places, new responsibilities.  Change can be tough, even when you’re going back to someplace that you absolutely love.

A few weeks ago, I noticed a student who appeared to be hitting a rough patch.  We all have those days, and I knew that I, out of anyone, could most easily relate.  I went over and did a brief check-in, just to make sure that the world was going to be okay.  It made me realize how much I love human interaction, how much I love being in the presence of others.  It also made me realize how much we need to be on the lookout for one another. In today’s world, so many feel alone, so many feel unimportant.  So, I’ve got a challenge for all of you: go out into the world in the next week or two weeks and find that person in your life and make them feel like the most important person in the world.  Make them feel like they have never felt before.  Make them realize how much they mean to you and the world around you.  We need to do more lifting up.  We need to be more supportive.  We need to be more aware of those around us.  There are people out there who just want someone to check in with them.  So do it.  It is so important.

I bought this card today that I feel perfectly describes what I am trying to say here:

You’re the lone corn dog in a world of plain wieners.  In other words, you’re amazing.

I haven’t decided who will be the lucky recipient of this one, but all I can say is, make someone feel like a corn dog.  We don’t need any more plain wieners.

So don’t be a plain wiener.

If that didn’t just make you laugh right now, well, shit.  Go find a sense of humor.

And always,

be kind to one another.

–p

P.S. I bet you thought I started this post off going in one direction, and then I totally tricked you by going another direction that probably doesn’t make any sense.  Oh well. Happy Sunday!

PSA: Desperately seeking out a pen pal. Like a legit one. I’m ready to write. I’ve got great stationary and plenty o’stamps.

The start of something new

I am not even too sure where to begin with all of you.  I realize that it has been too long.  There have been so many times when I sit down to write something, and for some reason, halfway through writing, I stop.  Either I am not satisfied with how I am writing it or (most likely) I find myself just too tired to continue.  I would have to say that the last six months have been anything but stable.  Between graduating from Cal Poly and moving home to Modesto, I feel as if the foundation and stability of my life has literally been ripped out from underneath me.

Yesterday, I started my first big boy job as an Admissions Counselor at my alma mater, Saint Mary’s College of California.  While I am thrilled to be back at SMC, I am already overwhelmed with an immense amount of information in order to do the job.  As my mama always says though, “One day at a time.”  My living situation here up in the Bay is a little uncertain which, of course, causes me an immense amount of stress and anxiety.  I am always excited for this learning curve that happens when you start a new beginning, yet there are moments when I wish I just knew how to ‘do it all’ so to speak.  And yes, I do realize the contradiction and irony of both of those statements.  New people.  New environment (kind of).  And new ins and outs.  Scary and exciting and nerve-racking and fun and ahhhhhh.  Can you feel my angst?  At least I started everything off right by bringing in a fresh batch of lemon bars to the office.  Making Mondays better.  That’s my goal.  So, if you ever happen to be in the Bay Area and stop by Saint Mary’s College on a Monday morning, be sure to stop by and say hi.  There might just be a delicious baked good waiting for you.

These last six or so months have also brought a lot of different thoughts about life.  There are moments when I find myself driving down the street thinking about something completely out of the ordinary.  I think it’s one of those things that your mind is thinking about subconsciously, and then, out of the blue, your mind really starts thinking about it. After I was rejected from each of the eight PhD programs I applied to, I thought that was it for me.  I felt like failure.  I felt like I had let everyone down, but worst of all, I felt like I had let myself down.  And that is the worst feeling of failure.  And then, once I graduated and I didn’t have a job, I really felt out of place.  Here I was with two degrees, no job, and I was moving back in with the folks…what???  Is this how it’s supposed to be?  If you know me well, you know that I like to think that I have everything figured out or I at least like to appear that I do.  So when there is this much uncertainty in my life, I start to lose it.  Trust me, there were many nights before graduating where I would start to cry because I felt like I had just screwed up big time.  I no longer feel this way, yet I am still nervous for whatever lies ahead.  As I have said many times before, I would love to know what God’s ultimate plan is for me, and I will do my best to try to figure out what it is going to look like.  But, I know that I won’t necessarily have it all worked out.  There will be some setbacks, some kinks in the road if you will, but I know for a fact that I am where I am supposed to be.  And I have to trust in that.

I would have to say that one of the hardest parts about this entire transition out of Cal Poly has been saying goodbye to some really solid, close friends.  That is the absolute worst, and when I start to think about it, I get emotional because of how much I miss them every single day.  How I wish we could just package up our friends and bring them with us wherever we go.  And unfortunately, that isn’t how the world works.  Amanda, Abby, Carolyn (x2), Jasmine, Audrey, Kate, Jessica, Brad, Alex, Megan, Kathleen, Elizabeth, Debi, Mark, Katie, Wendy, and Anna:  please know how desperately I wish you were all here with me, ready for food and wine and laughs and cries and everything in between.  Because each of you have brought so much into my life and have contributed so much to who I am today, I am forever grateful for all that you continue to do to support and love me.

That is exactly what friends are for.  And that is exactly what I need from people like yourselves.  Thank you so much.

And that’s it for now.  There is much more to come, much more that I want to talk about. But another time, sometime soon.

be kind to one another.

–p

A letter to you

Dear You,

It’s been a crazy few months, hasn’t it?  You’ve been stressed out, overwhelmed, and embarrassed.  And yet, life goes on, doesn’t it?  Right when you begin to think that your life is spiraling downward, something happens and picks you back up to where you truly belong.  The negativity in your life seems to peak, hitting an all-time-high, something that you have never experienced before.  To a certain extent, it feels like this is your first time really failing.  The irony here, is, of course, that you didn’t fail.  You failed no one.  You feel like you have failed yourself, but that simply is not the case.  While it may feel like failure, it really isn’t.  These last few weeks and months have felt like misery–each day, something seems to happen which takes a toll on my ability to rebuild the happiness I had before.  And it’s tough.  It’s tough to pretend that your life is figured out, that you have everything put together.  But I don’t.  In fact, I am far from that.  I have nothing figured out beyond graduation.

And that is terrifying.

I have absolutely zero idea what I am doing.  There is zero direction in my life.  And that freaks me out.  I hate having to leave the network that I’ve developed here.  I felt this way when I left Saint Mary’s.  It’s really tough to leave your support network.  It’s even harder to leave the people you truly love the most.  And that is what I am most worried about.  Forget the job.  Forget the money.  Forget the bills.  This is what really matters most to me.  I think you all know that.  At the end of the day, that is what I am most worried about.  Of course, who wouldn’t be?  Right?

I take an exam next weekend that will determine whether or not I will actually graduate.  Also terrifying.  The level of anxiety I am currently experiencing is paralleled by nothing ever before in my life.  I think that this is a form of torture and should seriously be outlawed.  72 hours.  3 essay questions.  Go.  Oh, and turn it in on your 24th birthday.  I mean, no better way to celebrate??

As my time is coming to a close, both at Cal Poly and in San Luis Obispo, I have come to learn the following (feel free to take with you whatever you might find inspirational or not):

• Challenge yourself.  And trust me, you don’t have to do this on your own because the world will naturally challenge you, each and every day.
• Love people.  Love those who mean the most to you because that’s what love is all about right?
• Stop apologizing, unless you really screw up.  And most importantly, never apologize for the way that you feel, simply because, you’re not wrong.
• Eat good food.  Stop wasting time on sad food.  Eat the second roll.  Have another slice.  Be happy doing it.  And yes, by all means, if you’ve already finished one creme brûlée, order another.
• I used to have this quote on my refrigerator that I absolutely love:  there is no time to leave important words unsaid.  So, go say them.  Stop holding your words and feelings back.  Take the advice from John Mayer, say what you need to say.
• Put your phone away.  Your texts, Snapchats, and Facebook notifications really aren’t that important when you’re with another human being.  Focus on that one person or group of people before your phone.  One day, you’ll thank me for it.  Trust me.
• Look people in the eye.  This is a new one that I’m just learning.  You’d be amazed how much more you learn about it a conversation when you’re looking at a person dead in the eye.  Just don’t do this in a creepy way, but also, you’ll discover how quickly you get lost in that person and in the conversation you’re having.
• Ask the tough questions.  Seriously.  You’ll learn more about yourself and others if you ask those questions.  Be honest.  Be open.  You’ll be glad you did.

I think that’s enough for now; I’m getting tired and have a paper to work on.  But before I go, I have to ask

Pray for me.  Pray for guidance, support, love, happiness, and hope.  I could really use it and appreciate that kind of strength always.

Also, tell people you love them.  You know that’s important to me, so just go do it. And if they forgot, remind them.

be kind to one another.

–p

 

My mama.

There are truly not enough words that I could type on this page that would describe the immense amount of love I have for the woman who gave birth to me 24 years ago. I went to mass tonight, and Father Alphonse began his homily with a tribute to all of the mothers in this world. He reminded us that there are things that mothers do that we often never know about, the behind-the-scenes work that never seems to get noticed. He also said that there are so many times that we often take our mothers for granted, simply because we are used to them doing X, Y, and Z for us.  So tonight, I want to take the time to address my mama, Julie, taking note of all that she does for me, making sure that she knows that her hard work, love, and affection will never go unnoticed:

Dear Mom,

Even as I write this, I have tears in my eyes because I think of the immense amount of love and support that you always offer me but particularly in these last few months.  I have been challenged by and am continually disappointed in recent weeks with the plan that God has set forth before me.  And right as I think about giving up and throwing in the towel, you remind me of what’s important in life, knowing that God really does know what is right.  I cannot even imagine a day that I don’t talk to you on the phone, knowing that you’re always available if I ever need a thing.  And what I love about you the most is the ways in which you share your love with others.  I can’t think of many people who are so willing to spend several hours to bake cookies for their children before they leave to go back to school.  I am also constantly blown away at your willingness to lend a hand to others in need, particularly those going through difficult times.  You have baked many cookies and made several dinners for families who are struggling to get by, often on days when you’d rather go to bed early.  Instead, you sacrifice all of who you are so that others will be okay in the end.  And that is why you are the best mom in the world.  As cliche as it is, you are a mom who really puts others before herself.  I see that in you every single day, Mom.  And you have no idea how incredibly proud I am to call myself your son.  When others ask me about the baked goods I bring in, I tell them, “You can thank my mom.  She’s the one who’s really responsible for this.”

So Mom, at the end of the day, I want you to go to sleep knowing that you have had such a profound impact on this world, in ways that really are indescribable.  You can go to sleep knowing that you and Dad have succeeded in raising three kids who are pretty freaking incredible (from what I know firsthand).  You and Dad have done your job, although your job isn’t over.  Trust me.  I will still need all the help and guidance possible.  Never has there been a done where I haven’t been grateful for all that you do.  I want you to never forget that.

And lastly, I can’t help but think of the book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.  If you’ve never read the book, you can check it out here!

Hey mom, just so you know…

I’ll love you forever.  And always.

Your son,

Philip

P.S.  You’re the freaking best.

be kind to one another.

–p

I am doing okay.

Hello friends. It’s been nearly a month since I’ve taken the time to sit here and write to all of you. As I have said many times before, my life is an open book. And even as I write that, it is tough to admit that I have been rejected by all of the doctoral programs I applied to. It look me a long time to process that information, something that I had been so looking forward to, something that I thought was in my life plan. It’s so funny how people have tried to offer their support in a variety of interesting ways; to be honest, much of it hasn’t been helpful. I realize that the right intentions are there, but people, this was huge for me. It’s not as simple as people often make it out to be. And while this all sucks, I know that, in the end, I will be okay. Some how. Some way. For those of you who have told me this, I already know and already believe in it, but everything will turn out the way it is supposed to (FYI: please don’t remind me of this as I have heard it now 75,321 times).

Okay, now let’s talk about exciting things, and then we’ll get on to the meh kind of things that I still need to figure out at some point:

• My department chair informed me recently that I have been selected to receive three different awards at graduation, including the MPP Student of the Year. YAHOO! I jokingly told my mom that I was going to include that award title in my email signature as a joke–we got a good laugh out of that one.
• I have become a sourdough bread connoisseur. I’ve used nearly 50 pounds of flour in the last two months and need to stock up on more for some bread this weekend!
• My plant game has been extremely strong in recent days. All of the plants in our house are thriving (yes, this is what you have to look forward to when you come home each day).
• I’m going to PERU! I get to help lead another group of students from Cal Poly on a service trip, and I couldn’t be more excited.
• I’ve got a really exciting, potential job opportunity meeting this coming Tuesday in Monterey. Trying to keep really optimistic about my future, regardless of what’s in store for me (as long as it includes a big kitchen and lots of food, am I right?). Although, there’s a slight possibility for me to remain in San Luis Obispo for the next year, and I am really hoping that could work out too!
• A few weeks ago, I had the chance to cook for a group of students from Saint Mary’s who were going on a retreat that I helped to create when I was a student. The retreat could not have come at a more opportune time; it was right after I got the last rejection. When you’re around a group of like-minded individuals your age, many of whom are going through very similar struggles, it centers you and brings you back to a place that is much more manageable.

Okay so now let’s talk about the struggles:

• I can’t say that my time at Cal Poly has allowed me to fall in love yet (except maybe with sourdough bread?) Yes, I’ve mentioned this before, and you know what? It’s always on my mind people.
• I take my master’s comprehensive exam at the end of this month which is causing me a whole new level of stress and anxiety. Pray for me please!
• I am worried. I am anxious about my future and where this is all going. My department chair said it right when she pointed out that uncertainty is something that I am simply not okay with. She hit the nail right on the head.
• I contemplated spending $35 today on a 2 pound bag of fancy chocolate for fancy cookies…I didn’t end up buying it Mom, don’t worry.
• When I got that last rejection, I was disappointed in myself. 100%. I felt that I had truly failed myself and others. And that is one of the worst feelings in the world folks. Failure has never been in my vocabulary (I mean that), but these last few weeks have certainly felt like failure.
• Some of my friendships with people here are flourishing while others seem to be faltering. And at this point in the game, I am okay with that. I have come to accept that there are just a certain group of people who stick around for the long haul, and that is because they support and love me endlessly. And love feels good, doesn’t it?

Friends, that’s about all I got for now. And as I told that group of Saint Mary’s students as I have said to many of you, please never forget: you are never alone in this world. You are loved. And even when it may feel like no one is standing in your corner, I will always be standing in your corner.

Forever and always. Just like Shania Twain said.

be kind to one another.

–p

Here’s your sign.

Week one of my last quarter at Cal Poly is over, and I am straight up, 100%, downright exhausted. I had this grand idea that my last quarter would be easy peezy, but I have come to realize that it will be anything but that.  Friends, it’s been such a weird week.  I am experiencing much of the same emotion that I felt as I began to leave Saint Mary’s (although this is much different just for the record).  Rejected by 7 schools.  Still waiting to hear on the 8th.  Stay tuned.  While I was home for break, I volunteered with my mom at the local thrift store that supports the American Cancer Society.  A woman made a point to ask me about this Bible verse that was etched on this sleeve for a computer:  Jeremiah 29:11.  I tried to guess the verse but knew that I wasn’t right.

So I Googled it…naturally.  And ironically enough, here’s what it said:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Weird, right?  I could not believe it.  I have heard this verse a thousand times, but naturally, this woman didn’t know what it was, and I just happened to be asked about it.  Earlier this week, I was sharing with a friend about this disappointment from graduate schools, and guess what verse she texts me…?  Jeremiah 29:11.  If that isn’t God sending me a sign, then boy, I must be clueless.

Well, funny I should write that because not too long after this, I was driving home from a long day at work.  I was driving the same path that I always do, except this time the electric sign of a business that I pass by every day had the following words on it:

You will be okay.

I want you to know that the next day, the sign didn’t say this.  I honestly forget what it said the day after, ironically enough.  Rejection is tough.  I don’t handle it well by any means.  People constantly ask why I’m not in a relationship.  Part of the reason is that the prospects have seem to be low here in SLO.  Wow, that rhymed.  Just call me Dr. Seuss.  But all joking aside, rejection really is tough.  And I take all of that personal.  So if you don’t date, you can’t be rejected.  And I have started to believe that if I never applied to these doctoral programs, I would have never been rejected, right?  Is that how all of this is supposed to be?  I’ve got a friend who works down the hallway from me who is in a similar, frustrating dilemma, having also experienced this type of rejection recently (p.s. we were supposed to get crème brûlée months ago, so maybe, if you’re reading this carol, we’ll finally go get crème brûlée?).  At least I do know one other human being going through this sucky, awkward part of life.  Also, shoutout to autocorrect for knowing where to put the accents on crème brûlée!

Two months and eight days.  I’ve got two months and eight days to somehow make an impact on this campus before I leave.  Before I leave to probably work some shitty desk job while I dream about becoming a professor.  Or a chef.  Or while I dream about baking bread.  A couple things…I am so tired of people “trying to relate.”  Please just stop while you’re ahead.  I would greatly appreciate it.  I really just want some GD empathy.  I just want someone to sit down with and talk for a long time.  I want my pity party.  Sorry,  but when you’re 23 years old and have spent the last 18 years of your life working your butt off to be rejected from school after school, person after person, it really takes a toll on you.  I get it.  I am 23 and still young (despite students thinking I am their professor).  But it’s hard when you look on stupid social media (yes, me using the word stupid like a child) and people are getting engaged, doing cool things, and having cool lives.  Side note:  one of the reasons I hate social media.  That’s not real life, contrary to popular belief.

Everything happens for a reason, at the right time, at the right place.  One day, I will be that professor.  I will be married.  I will have 2.5 kids.  Just kidding, that half kid will most definitely be a dog.  And I will be the most incredible bread baker, lover of life,  a person who remains happy for the simple moments when shared with others.

Because at the end of the day, what else do I need?

be kind to one another.

-p

Why we should care more

Friends, I cannot tell you enough how important this is to me. Just today, I was sharing with a friend that I was really proud of this title because it captures so much of who I am and so much of what I would like to accomplish on this world. We each experience a variety of problems every single day of our lives, and I feel that we are often overwhelmed by the enormity of their sheer magnitude. As I am sure many of you know, I value a handwritten note more than any gift I have probably ever received. Recently, I have made it a point to include a line that I wrote to all of you just a few weeks ago:

“You are never alone in this world even though, at times, it may feel like you are.”

College is tough. For those who say it is easy, I would love to sit down with you and take some notes. Nevertheless, I have begun writing this because I have come to realize how many people there are in this world that may feel like there is no one in their life who truly cares. They may be estranged to a certain degree from their siblings or parents. They may have messed up in a friendship or relationship. I get it. We all go through something. And yet, it is during these tough periods of time when, for some reason, we feel most alone. A few weeks ago, I was in a rough place. And I am proud to admit it. It is more than difficult to be rejected by four of the top doctoral programs in the country (still waiting on the other four) and then somehow show up to work with a smile on your face. It is especially hard to hold back tears when a professor provides you with nothing but negative feedback and criticism on an essay you spent days pouring over. And to top it all, it is discouraging and sad to think that someone you counted on so much for the last year has all but disappeared from every aspect of your life.

And I truly mean when I say, I get it. Most recently, there have been so many moments where I am feeling so much and have so much to say and just genuinely hope and pray that someone asks me about it all so I have the opportunity to just verbalize it all. And folks, this is just one of the never-ending reasons of why we should (and ultimately, have to) care more. These last two years of graduate school have made me realize how much more I value people, how much more I value those deep conversations with people you truly love and care about. I have realized how tricky life can be when you invest in another human being, when a part of your own heart is actively thinking, praying, and yearning for that person to be okay in this crazy world that is ours.

There are people out there who just simply want to be heard. Focus on those people. Do not focus on those who will not even give you the time of day to talk, to share a meal, or to even depend on. We deserve more people in our life that can do all three of those things, but it sure does not just stop there. I had coffee with a friend today, someone that I truly admire. She is one of those human beings that seems to understand the quirkiness of me. She had written in a card these words which have since stuck with me as I went by the day, “As your friend, I can tell you how amazing and validating it feels to be completely HEARD in our conversations.” Well Jasmine, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I have been working on that, and I am glad it is really starting to pay off.

I have to mention one more person I was with today, primarily because I had one of those evenings that I never wanted to end. I went hiking with another friend tonight, enjoying every minute of our two-hour-long journey near the beach. I love having those people in your life where you can just be yourself, where you can relax and just talk and eat Cuties at the top of a hill, staring at life at the bottom. And Abby, you know how much I freaking love you, ya crazy sourdough bread buddy. So thanks for that tonight; it was exactly what I needed to today.

Well friends, I am truly blessed to have people who genuinely care about me. Now, we must go out into the world and genuinely care more about others. I believe that this really can make a difference.

Just try it.

be kind to one another.

–p

It’ll all get better

Hi friends. Once again, it’s been awhile.  A long time actually. Things have been absolutely crazy. Life has been going 180 miles per hour every single day. I’ve heard back from 4 out of the 8 universities that I’ve applied to. All have said no, so you can imagine the torture this has put me through the last few weeks. I, like many students pursuing a higher education, begin to question their purpose and their career goals in life. I told my department chair last week that I’ve decided to join the circus, really putting that masters degree to work. She laughed, but I don’t think they’re going to be advertising that on the website any time soon. But really though, I’ve really started to question my entire future, wondering if becoming a professor is what I’m really supposed to do.  Your twenties are weird I tell ya. I am certain that a lot of growth and thinking happen in this decade, much of which has already been accomplished in the first three years of my twenties.

Just today, I was thinking about my future and wondering how it’s going to all turn out. Maybe I’m actually supposed to go to culinary school and cook or bake bread the rest of my life. P.S. We are going on day four of my newly conceived sourdough starter. There are lots of little baby bubbles growing, and I couldn’t be more excited. Lately, baking has brought me an indescribable amount of joy, something that is paralleled by nothing. Each time I bring something in the office, someone new asks me, “So, why do you do it? Why do you bring stuff in all the time?” And my answer has always been the same since day one: “It brings me joy. It lets me connect with people that I wouldn’t necessarily have had the chance to interact with. Food brings people together, and that’s what I love to do.”

The reason I mention that is because I absolutely know that this is part of who I am and who I’m meant to be (If you haven’t heard “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman, you’ve gotta check it out here!). I truly believe that I have a unique way of bringing people together. In fact, I think that it’s one of my strongest qualities and assets as a human being and something that I hope to fully take advantage of when doing big things (whatever that means, wherever that means). At a time when nothing seems to be going my way, I know that each day, I try my absolute best to somehow affect real, positive change in the world. I find it amazing when you just sit down with someone to ask how they are really doing. Like I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again, you will be amazed to hear what people really have to say. Do you ever know that moment when you have a friend who has much more to say than they’re actually sharing? Wow, that was sure a doozy of a wordy question, but I’m serious. Last night, I had a friend who I could tell something was up. Something wasn’t sitting right, and I knew there was definitely more to the story. In the end, I reminded her of one of the most important things that we can ever say to another human being in this world, other than “I just baked a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies,” and that is this:

You are never alone in this world, despite it feeling like so. Even when you think there is no one, there is always someone. You might just have to do a little looking around and realize that they’ve been there the whole time.

be kind to one another.

-p

P.S. Also, please pray for my economics professor, primarily because he’s a nitwit/kook/nincompoop. I’ll let you pick your favorite noun.

*Disclosure: After writing this, I realize that this sounds like a written stream of consciousness with no singular one meaning…whoops.

Nevertheless, enjoy.

A message to all of you

Dear friends,

Wow. What a week it was. I have made it a personal campaign of mine to make Mondays better, for me, for you, literally for anyone I come into contact with. Last week, I had entered the week of January 21 with the most optimistic outlook I could have had. I baked something for my office, but I couldn’t tell you what it was anymore. I think it might’ve been oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. When Tuesday came around, I was feeling even better. The research for my masters program is going well, getting everything that I need. I had met with my professor to take about the research a little bit, and he had asked if I had gotten any word from the doctoral programs I applied to. I hadn’t at that point, not until I walked out of his office. I had just received an email from George Washington University. My heart racing, I sat down at a table nearby and pulled out my computer to check the status.

“Our Admissions Committee has undertaken a careful review of your application and supporting documents. The Committee determined that it cannot recommend acceptance, and consequently I must inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to the graduate program in Political Science.”

Good, but of course, not good enough. Yes, I’ve heard that line before. The butterflies in my stomach quickly disappeared, and I made the five minute walk to my car. I saw in the seat and began to question every aspect of my future. “Is this even what you’re supposed to be doing? You want to do it, but is it what you’re supposed to do?” Trust me, I’ve asked this question of myself at least a dozen times in the past week. When you tell your friends, they say all the words that people are supposed to, but it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow. A staff member from down the hall brought me my favorite drink from Starbucks the next day. Cassie, if you’re reading this, I want you to know how much I wanted to simply say, thanks for caring. Often, we are unaware of the impact that we make on others, particularly during rough patches like this. So, thank you.

I taught my first cooking class on Wednesday; it went as well at it could. Although, next time, I need to assume nothing, such as folks don’t know how to properly dice potatoes. Mentally noted. I left work on Friday afternoon and headed to my favorite coffee shop in town to work on my research. It has seemed to consume me these days. Why I’ve let it, I’m not too sure. I tutored a family friend’s daughter in Algebra Two. I’ve still got it. I still can somehow remember how to do the math that I haven’t done for eight years. So that’s a major plus. When I got back to the apartment, I had called my mom to tell her something, of which now, it’s not as important as I thought it was. I had literally walked through the door, set my backpack down, and heard the words, “Philip. Ninna (my dad’s mother) passed away last week.”

Talk about a punch to the gut, a knife to the heart, a blow to the face. At first, I was fine. It had been several years since I had seen my grandmother. We weren’t as close as we used to be. She was 90, and 90 is a good life I think. In fact, I remember my grandmother asking me when I was young, how long I thought she would live until. I haven’t told my family this story, for reasons unknown. And I still remember to this day the words I said to her: “Ninna, I think 90 sounds good. That’s a long time, and a more importantly, a long time from now.” I remember she was impressed by that number, for I don’t think she thought she would live that long.

Later that night, I thought I would be fine. No tears as of yet. And then, the tears came, particularly when I thought about all of the memories we shared together. We were two peas in a pod. She let me cook on a stove the first time, while I drank her coffee behind her back (I was like four, okay?). I had posted this photo of us on social media, the last photo of us that I recall. My buddy Matt came over that night, and I frantically drove us on a search for Haagen Daas Vanilla Chocolate Chip. After no luck at two stores, we gave up the search and headed back to my place. I’m especially grateful for him; he’s helped me get through some recent rough patches, the effects of which I am still experiencing each day. And that is what I wanted to say:

I took today off from work, knowing that I wouldn’t be who I typically am in front of others. I made one of my favorite meals of all time, and as I finished making it, I realized that I no longer had an appetite for it. Into the fridge it goes. I took a quick glance at social media (dumb, don’t do it) and came upon an old photo of a friend and me at my favorite place in the world. Unfortunately, that friend no longer has a place in my life, and that is also what has got me feeling this way. Combine that with a ‘thanks but no thanks’ letter from a university and a deceased grandmother, and talk about the recipe for happiness, confidence, and feeling good.

Friends, it is tough. It is really tough. I thought it would be easy, but it isn’t. I am struggling; I recognize that. I am doing all that I am supposed to be, but it is hard. The pit in my stomach is there, and it isn’t fun. I am trying to exercise, to bake, to laugh, to listen to music, to do all the things in life that bring me joy. They aren’t working, at least not yet.

It is tough to admit to others that you are struggling, believe me. It is tough to put on a smile when you’re feeling quite the opposite. And it hurts when someone exits your life, for reasons that many of you can assume. I am hoping and certainly praying that one day, this will all be worth it and that I will be back to my normal self. It has to be better than this.

And I know it will be.

be kind to one another.

-p

The loss of a friend

I went to mass last night so I could sleep in this morning.  I thought that I could use an extra hour or so of beauty sleep on this three-day weekend.  I switch off between this little parish in Pismo and the Mission in San Luis Obispo.  I figured I hadn’t been to see Father Alphonse in a while, so off I went to 5:30 mass.  It’s kind of nice going to church where you don’t know anyone–for once in my life, I can be in a space and focus on myself and the big guy upstairs.  What inspires me to write tonight is what Fr. Alphonse said before his homily.

Before even getting to his real message for the night, he announced that his last classmate from the Seminary had past away.  For nearly five or so minutes, Fr. Alphonse went on to take about this incredible man, Fr. Luke, and concluded by saying, “I will sincerely miss him, knowing that I will never again hear or see him on this side of eternity.” For some strange reason, I think that we believe that there are certain people that must be immune to emotion. I think that these are the people we most admire, we most respect, we most look up to. And for some reason last night, it was tough to hear an eighty-plus-year-old priest get emotional about losing one of his best friends. It truly was tough to swallow, and if you had the chance to look around at the parishioners, you would notice that each one of them had this somber look on their face. I like to believe that each one of us had put ourselves in Fr. Alphonse’s shoes, recognizing how we might respond to the loss of one of our friends.  It isn’t easy.

Now, at the age of twenty-three, I cannot say that I have ever lost a friend. However, I do think of people like Edna Grubb, whom I have written about before. A former older friend of mine but nevertheless a friend. Even as I write this, I am contemplating those who have previously been in my life but no longer are. My buddy and I were just talking recently about folks who we have somehow lost in recent years. No, they haven’t died by any means, but they have simply slipped away from our everyday lives. It is sometimes difficult to be honest, and it is especially difficult to be honest with yourself.

But it hurts. It hurts to lose a friend, someone you genuinely care about. And no, it doesn’t get easier as time goes on. Trust me.

I wish I had some magical answer, advice, or remedy to say to you to fix a feeling like this. Sadly, I do not. Although, I did just make this bittersweet chocolate tart, and I think it might cure every bad disease in the whole world. So I’m thinking it just might also help cure a heavy heart as well.

“If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.”

–Maya Angelou

be kind to one another.

–p

have you ever been asked…?

What is important to you?  I am not too sure what even sparked this thought–maybe it was a book that I was reading recently.  Yes, I am pretty sure that’s it!  Anyway, have you ever thought about it…like really, truly thought about it?  The reason I ask is because I guess this is what 23 year olds think about.  Okay, well maybe it’s just me.  Okay, okay it is probably just me.  I am assuming that you all remember Sister Dolores, the nun that I call my spiritual advisor.  She is the one who first asked me this question, and I mean really asked me and cared to know the answer.  I think it was sometime sophomore year, and I was struggling with someone at school.  I remember Sister Dolores asked me this question, and from that moment on, I knew the exact reason why she had asked.  So she said, “What is important to you?  Tell me what is most important in your life.”  Four years later and 5 months away from graduation, I am asking myself this question again because I am feeling like I have strayed away from the main answer.  There are moments in life when we need to be reminded of what matters and most importantly, who matters.

If we have ever had the chance to get to know one another in person, you will most likely figure out that there are three parts to my answer:

• My faith
• My family
• My friends

These three go hand in hand, and, in fact, I cannot live without any one of these pieces.  They are my inner core.  So, when Sister Dolores asked, I responded the same way that I would now if somebody asked me.  They remind me of who I am, what I value, the person that I want to become.  They keep me grounded, and often tell it like it is when I need to hear it most.  At the end of the day, my faith, my family, and my friends make me the person that I am.  Without each of these, I would struggle to go on each day because of the joy, the happiness, and the hope they give me to kick ass and succeed in the greater world.

A friend recently sent me this music video, and I love it because it accurately describes who I am when you examine this inner core I mentioned above.  Since that moment, I have showed just a handful of people this video, reminding them of their place in my life, often placed on a pedestal because of the enormous impact they have had and continue to have.

If I haven’t seen you in a week, a month, or even a year, please remember one thing:

You matter to me.

be kind to one another.

–p

2018

As you might remember, I am not necessarily the kind of person who is one for creating resolutions that I seek to accomplish in the new year.  In fact, I was just talking to a close friend of mine about this, and she had asked me what type of resolutions that I would recommend for someone.  Should we reach for the stars with our resolutions or decide on something more attainable to achieve in the next 365 days.  And for some strange reason, I told her to shoot kind of low.  Go for something attainable.

I’m sorry, what?  When in the world would I ever suggest to someone to just do what’s easily attainable?  Who the hell am I?  In my entire life, I have never been one to just do the bare minimum.  Do enough just to get by.  That is not me, and, in fact, I never want that to be me.  And in case you were wondering, I just sent my friend a text and told her that I was wrong yesterday.  By all means, I want to be that one person in your life that will push you to your fullest potential.  I want all of you to reach for the stars because I know that we are all capable of doing something big, whatever big means to each of you. By God, why shouldn’t we all have aspirations for something greater out in this world of nearly 7.5 billion?  And if someone has never encouraged you to go for the gold, now is your opportunity to do so.  Now is the chance that you have someone literally telling you that you should not let any one thing or any one person stop you from achieving your highest goals or your highest potentials.  This year, I have realized that there are so many people out there that we surround ourselves with who make it difficult for us to see what we can do or who we can become.  I can no longer be around these types of people, people who cannot even support their closest friends in the moments of the greatest need.  However, now is the time to draw near to those who offer their unconditional love, support, and compassion, making one realize the importance of that person’s presence in our lives.

So, shoot big.  If you fail, you fail.  And you know what?  That is okay.  Because there have been many people before you who have failed before you, and many of them have turned out just fine.

Here are just a few of my resolutions for this new year, knowing that everything is going to be alright if I am not able to check some of these off:

• Bring joy to others.
• Be honest, with myself and others.
• Say what is on my mind–don’t hold anything back.
• Listen.  Truly listen.  Don’t interrupt.
• Read more.  But most importantly, read more for pleasure.
• Create my own sourdough starter.
• Make sourdough bread.
• Bake macarons.
• Ensure that my friends know how much I appreciate their place in my life.
• Remind them that I love each of them, and tell them why.
• Spend more time in Carmel; continue to share it with only the people that matter most.
• Go to France.  Walk in Julia’s footsteps.  Drink all the champagne.
• Go to a Fleetwood Mac concert…farewell tour 2018 anyone?
• Be accepted to the doctoral program of my dreams.
• Attend the doctoral program of my dreams.
• Have more one-on-one conversations with people.
• Learn more about people.  Learn more about who they are and why they are the way that they are.
• Put down the phone more often.  Turn it off when with others.
• Turn off social media.  It cannot be that important, right?
• Love others, and be vulnerable when doing so.

And most importantly…

• Be happy in all that I do, wherever I am, as often as I can be.

 

as always, be kind to one another

and

happy new year.

-p

being an old soul

I, like many, love this time of year.  It brings back a lot of memories from my childhood.  I thrive during the time off from both school and work, looking forward to wearing my pajamas all day while watching Hallmark Movies and the like.  For the only time in my life, I like not having an exact plan for how I will spend my break.  I’ve got a few day trips planned, primarily to catch up with some of the most important people in my life (aside from my own family).  I’ve finished two books and have two more on my list to accomplish in the next two weeks.

We spent our Christmas in the traditional way that we always have for the last 23 years (from what I can remember of course).  A few things have changed since my childhood, but it’s got the same feel to it from year to year.  And that’s partly where I get the main message of this post, something that I’ve really begun to realize in the last few years.

And at 23 years old, it’s a bit odd for me to realize and recognize, but I am most definitely an old soul.  I think I always have been.  I love tradition.  I’m pretty old school.  But that’s also what makes me, me.  I was raised in a household where you go to church every Sunday.  To this day, I go to church just about every single Sunday.  It’s the one hour a week where I get some one-on-one time with God to debrief the last week and to hope and pray for a better tomorrow.  More recently, I have come to enjoy the semi-frequent compliments I’ve been getting on my singing voice.  I call my mom after church each time it happens–we both get a good laugh.

I love talking and interacting with people who are older in me; in fact, I almost prefer to spend time with people who aren’t my age.  Our conversations are typically more in depth and of true meaning.  I find it hard to seek out conversations like these with people my age, for reasons I am still trying to figure out.

If and when I have a night off, a free night, a night to do whatever the heck I want do, you will probably find me in my pajamas, drinking a glass or two of wine, while watching a movie or Grey’s Anatomy.  Tonight, there’s no wine involved, but I am watching one of my all-time favorites, Forrest Gump.  And like an old soul, I cry at least twice during this movie (I’m sure you can all guess the two parts when this happens).  I am not one to necessarily ‘go out,’ and drink and dance the night away (although, there are definitely nights when I need this to happen too).

I also love to live in a world that is hopeful of a better tomorrow, whatever that exactly means.  Not sure if this equates to someone being an old soul or not, but it often feels like this is a qualifier.  The holidays can be tough; this year, they seem to be a little more difficult than usual.  I was just telling someone the other day that it is so strange for me to begin to recognize all that has changed over the years.  Our family members are getting older.  The kids are no longer kids by any means.  We are all growing up because the world is growing up, and we are getting older because that truly is life.  Two weeks ago, I was in New Orleans on a service trip, and I was telling the other staff member in our group that 23 is such a funk age.  I will be finishing up my Masters this coming June, hoping to start a Doctoral program this fall.  I am hoping that this world that I am ‘entering’ is going to be okay, that things will really work out the way that they are supposed to.  I will fall in love when the time is right, and so far, the timing has been extremely shitty.  My buddy Matt and I talk about this all the time.  If anyone’s looking for two old souls who are Eagle Scouts with college degrees, well, you know how to get ahold of me.  I’ll be sure to pass the message along to Matt.  I will get into the Doctoral program that I am supposed to, and it will be, in fact, the right choice for me.  The friends that I have will be with me (hopefully forever), something that I have to count on in order to keep my peace of mind and sanity…you know who you are.  And if you don’t, just tell me, and I’ll send you a reminder.

As an old soul, it can be difficult to have faith and hope in the process that you really know nothing about.  We have no idea what the plan is, and as you may have figured out, uncertainty bothers my central core.  However, being this way is simply who I am.  I love to have folks over for dinner, with good food, good wine, and “Dinner Party Radio” playing in the background.  My mother raised a gentleman, and I will always open the passenger-side door for you.  I can promise you that.

In effect, this post may not have been about me being an old soul at all.  Rather, it may have just been an outlet for me to write a stream of consciousness, convincing myself that, in the end, everything’s going to be alright.

be kind to one another.

-p

Your One, Wild & Precious Life

Hello.  Remember me?  It’s been a while.  I sure do say that a lot.  It’s been a rough few weeks as many of you have gathered I am sure.  I have been going to school full time, working full time, applying to PhD programs full time.  Overwhelmed does not adequately describe how the hell I have been feeling.  I am now back to working part time, PhD applications are finished, and life is starting to get back to normal.  Whatever normal actually means–I have been trying to figure that out actually.

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to attend a book signing and dinner with President George W. Bush’s twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, at the Reagan Presidential Library.  During the Q&A, Barbara described how they came up with the subtitle for their new book, Sisters First: Stories from Our Wild and Wonderful Life.  This is where the main message of this post comes from.  On the first page of their book, the Bush twins included the following poem, “The Summer Day” by Mary Oliver:

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

I bolded the last four lines of the poem because I find them to be the most important in my own life.  I often ask myself, at the end of each day, “What else should I (or could I) have done?”  I do realize that this sounds almost manic, as if I should be doing more and more every day.  Yet, there are days when I feel like I should have done something different.  I should have said something.  I should have said what was on my mind.  I should have said what I was actually thinking, yet too afraid, scared, or worried to say it. And WHY IS THAT?  Just freaking say it, am I right?  And that’s where that second line seems to important.  We all die, and there never seems to be a good time to exit the Earth.  It always is too soon.  For some odd reason, I had a dream about one of my teachers from high school who passed away a couple years after I had her.  We were laughing and sharing funny stories about the class I shared with her.  Her laughter and jokes were affectious –I could never get enough of her humor and her love of literature.  And like many, if I had another chance, I would have shared with her how much she meant to me and how much she still means to me.

As many of you know, my MO (main objective but also my new favorite saying) in life is making those around me, especially those that I love, know that I love them.  I share with them often what they mean to me, each person bringing something so unique and so special in my life that I can never get enough time with them.  And yes, that sounds clingy beyond belief, but I have come to realize that I am never able to get enough time with those people I love.  Whether it is for five minutes or for an entire lifetime, it is never going to be enough time.  So I apologize if it’s the end of the night and I am standing in the doorway, not really wanting to leave.  Or when I ask about making banana bread at 11PM on a weeknight, simply because I want some more time.

And so, at the end of the day, I also myself, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do/with your one wild and precious life?”  So far, my life sure has been wild and precious.  There are moments when I have to look back and ask myself, “Did that really happen?”  So if I only get one shot at this one wild and precious life, what the hell am I going to do with it?  Am I going to hold back?  Am I going to be apologetic for the way that I feel or for the way that go about this world or for the crazy things that I do just to show someone that I freaking care about them?

 

Do you want the short answer… ?

 

 

 

No.

 

be kind to one another.

-p